I have been sitting at my pottery table for a few hours today. Lots of other things have gotten in front of creating lately. A move, work, obligations, holidays, the list has been quite long. I have had pockets of birthing my “soul babies” during this time, with a very large (literally) success of firing the biggest piece to date. She is almost 20″H and 16″W. To me, she is all sorts of big and beautiful. However, she was followed by an epic failure while carving another large piece. It collapsed onto itself as I was pushing the envelope of size and structure. I have a tendency to push my way a lot in life; sometimes it pays off, sometimes is doesn’t.
I have been feeling some anxiety lately – nothing of substance that I can put my finger on, but anxiety none the less. I realized during a period of “emotional palpating” this evening that I tend to walk myself out onto the preverbal limb a lot, especially with my art. A lot of people might view me as courageous, or naive, or simple, or delusional. What others think doesn’t really matter in the long term scheme of things. However, what I think does. You see, I have an overwhelming desire to push the envelope in my life as well as my art. I am quite terrified every day about it, sometimes having to remind myself to breathe…………simply in and then out. But if I don’t do it for myself………who will? If I am not the change I wish to see in the outer world as well as my inner world, then who is?
I don’t want to look back on my life and have regrets of “should have”, “could have”, “would have” and “if only”. Yes, I hear “no” my fair share; I get discouraged, disillusioned and have moments of great self doubt. But have you ever met a person who doesn’t? It comes with the territory of discovery – get used to it. It doesn’t mean you are not “good enough” – it just means that there is another door, another creation, another discovery just waiting for you to find it. If you stop looking, your future, your life and your destiny could disappear before your eyes.
Show up for your Life……….Yes, it can be terrifying. But guess what? I could use a little company 🙂